I just read that in an upcoming September issue, venerable Archie Comics plans to introduce the first openly gay character. He will be called Kevin Keller. So, as a long-standing reader of Archie Comics (I still occasionally treat myself at the end of a tedious grocery shop to an issue of Betty and Veronica Double Digest), I pondered how this new character might influence the dynamics of Riverdale. Here's what I think:
Kevin will develop a crush on Archie, giving Betty and Veronica yet another person to fight for Archie's affections. Archie, of course, will be naively oblivious to the attention and will still happily pursue all the hot babes on the beach.
Reggie, with a more finely tuned gaydar, will be simultaneously offended and jealous, because shouldn't everyone be enamoured of his inherent fabulousness, even if he wouldn't touch them with a ten-foot pole?
Moose, the traditionalist and real man's man, will avoid Kevin like the plague. And take comfort that he doesn't have to worry about Midge with this one.
Dilton will want to dig into the whole nature/nurture debate. Are we born gay? Is it part of our genetic code?
African American Chuck will wonder what all the fuss is about. Hasn't he been living as a successful minority in Riverdale for years?
And Jughead, in a brilliant awakening, will discover this is why he has never had an interest in girls. He and Kevin will eventually become a couple (once Kevin realizes that his love for Archie will remain unrequited), causing Big Ethel to have a mental breakdown.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
What a Caulk Up!
Sigh...the home improvement shows make it look so easy.
A small task today (while I'm on holidays) was to caulk around a small shed window. The other day I bought some caulk and a caulking gun in preparation. I should have known by the sheer range of choices available in the caulk aisle that a difficult adventure lay ahead of me.
It seemed an eternity to decide on the caulk. Did I want Silicon Rubber (I) or just Silicon (II)? What colour/tint? For Windows and Doors or Bathrooms and Kitchens? I almost left the store without the caulking gun until I overheard another woman talking about it and realized it would probably come in handy as a delivery device.
Tip #1 about caulking: Adequately prepare your area! My first "kick at the caulk" I forgot to tape the areas I didn't want sticky, gooey, difficult-to-clean caulk to go. (See also Tip #3.)
Tip #2: Before loading the caulk in the gun, cut the top off AND pierce the inner nozzle. I forgot to pierce and as a result had sticky, gooey, difficult-to-clean caulk coming out of the bottom of the caulking gun. Trust me, this is about as much fun as unanticipated anal sex.
Tip #3: Always have A LOT of paper towel handy as there will be a lot of sticky, gooey, difficult-to-clean caulk EVERYWHERE! (The cats are still cleaning themselves!)
Tip #4: Try to live near a Home Depot, so you can keep going back for more supplies when you f*ck up.
Tip #5: Throw away all the evidence before your boyfriend gets home so he doesn't see how many times you actually did f*ck up before finally getting it right!
A small task today (while I'm on holidays) was to caulk around a small shed window. The other day I bought some caulk and a caulking gun in preparation. I should have known by the sheer range of choices available in the caulk aisle that a difficult adventure lay ahead of me.
It seemed an eternity to decide on the caulk. Did I want Silicon Rubber (I) or just Silicon (II)? What colour/tint? For Windows and Doors or Bathrooms and Kitchens? I almost left the store without the caulking gun until I overheard another woman talking about it and realized it would probably come in handy as a delivery device.
Tip #1 about caulking: Adequately prepare your area! My first "kick at the caulk" I forgot to tape the areas I didn't want sticky, gooey, difficult-to-clean caulk to go. (See also Tip #3.)
Tip #2: Before loading the caulk in the gun, cut the top off AND pierce the inner nozzle. I forgot to pierce and as a result had sticky, gooey, difficult-to-clean caulk coming out of the bottom of the caulking gun. Trust me, this is about as much fun as unanticipated anal sex.
Tip #3: Always have A LOT of paper towel handy as there will be a lot of sticky, gooey, difficult-to-clean caulk EVERYWHERE! (The cats are still cleaning themselves!)
Tip #4: Try to live near a Home Depot, so you can keep going back for more supplies when you f*ck up.
Tip #5: Throw away all the evidence before your boyfriend gets home so he doesn't see how many times you actually did f*ck up before finally getting it right!
Postal Playground
Something observed in my neighbourhood: the kids simply love climbing on the super mailbox. This in spite of the fact that there is some perfectly good playground equipment located 100 yards from said mailbox.
While going for the post today, I decided to canvas the two wee children who were perched on top of the mailbox. I asked them why they weren't playing on the playground equipment instead of blatantly risking the mailman's wrath. The response was "it's boring."
Now I would be the first to agree that playgrounds aren't what they used to be. Remember how high we could get on the old-style swings, the ones with flat wooden seats that you could stand up on? Or how fast we could go on the merry-go-round, trying to jump on and off while it was whizzing around? And how about those great teeter-totters that let us give endless butt-numbing bumps to our best friends? Ah, those were the glory days.
Ever since "child safety" became such an unhealthy obsession, the spontaneous fun has been sucked out of a lot of things, including playgrounds. I kind of feel sorry for the bubble-wrapped, imagination-challenged, adventure-starved little 'uns, reduced to humping a Canada Post box for kicks. It's not right.
We need to put the thrills (and, yes, danger) back in the playgrounds -- before it's too late!
While going for the post today, I decided to canvas the two wee children who were perched on top of the mailbox. I asked them why they weren't playing on the playground equipment instead of blatantly risking the mailman's wrath. The response was "it's boring."
Now I would be the first to agree that playgrounds aren't what they used to be. Remember how high we could get on the old-style swings, the ones with flat wooden seats that you could stand up on? Or how fast we could go on the merry-go-round, trying to jump on and off while it was whizzing around? And how about those great teeter-totters that let us give endless butt-numbing bumps to our best friends? Ah, those were the glory days.
Ever since "child safety" became such an unhealthy obsession, the spontaneous fun has been sucked out of a lot of things, including playgrounds. I kind of feel sorry for the bubble-wrapped, imagination-challenged, adventure-starved little 'uns, reduced to humping a Canada Post box for kicks. It's not right.
We need to put the thrills (and, yes, danger) back in the playgrounds -- before it's too late!
Chip, Chip, Hooray?
I recently received a new chip-embedded debit card from my bank. Thank God, I didn't have to change my PIN or online password or I would be screwed. I have already forgotten the PIN on my chip Visa, not once but three times! (Hey, they say you're not supposed to write it down, so...)
I believe a perfect storm is coming with these "secure" chip cards. We have a rapidly aging population (the so-called "Silver Tsumani" is on the horizon) and dimensia rates are expected to climb dramatically, if not exponentially. Frankly, that's a lot of PIN codes to forget.
In 25 years will we be wandering around shopping malls wondering how we got there, what we were going to buy, and what our goddam PIN numbers are?! We can thank the banks, who always have our best interests at heart. Not to mention our inaccessible money.
I believe a perfect storm is coming with these "secure" chip cards. We have a rapidly aging population (the so-called "Silver Tsumani" is on the horizon) and dimensia rates are expected to climb dramatically, if not exponentially. Frankly, that's a lot of PIN codes to forget.
In 25 years will we be wandering around shopping malls wondering how we got there, what we were going to buy, and what our goddam PIN numbers are?! We can thank the banks, who always have our best interests at heart. Not to mention our inaccessible money.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Time to Wake Up and Smell the Goat!
I had occasion today to call up a kid and tell him he had won a book prize in a reading contest. His response rather than "Cool!" or "Wow! Really!?" was simply "okay." He was distinctly underwhelmed. I felt like saying to him "Listen kid, this might be the best f*cking thing that will ever happen to you in your life! You could sound a tad more enthusiastic. Books don't grow in trees, you know!" (Well, okay, maybe not that last bit, since books grow from trees, if not in them.)
My point is: kids seem to have such high expectations these days and don't think there will be a goat on their horizon. Let me explain.
Remember that game show from the 70s, "Let's Make a Deal", where lucky contestants (if so chosen by the affable, yet God-like Monty Hall) could get the chance to choose a prize behind door number 1, 2, or 3? There was a lot of hand-wringing tension in this decision, because those in the know were savvy to the fact that while there was likely a very nice prize behind two thirds of the doors, inevitably opening the other one would reveal a goat.
Decisions had consequences and a bad decision could result in a pungent, gamey goat.
In kids' contests and competitive games these days, it seems everyone gets to win and nobody gets stuck with the goat. They don't expect the goat, so they aren't wary of encountering it in the choices they make.
Kids, I'm here to tell you: the goat is still here and sooner or later it's going to bite you in the ass (and chew your pants off while it's at it.) So, wake up and smell the goat.
And when you win a free book, act excited for Christ's sake!
My point is: kids seem to have such high expectations these days and don't think there will be a goat on their horizon. Let me explain.
Remember that game show from the 70s, "Let's Make a Deal", where lucky contestants (if so chosen by the affable, yet God-like Monty Hall) could get the chance to choose a prize behind door number 1, 2, or 3? There was a lot of hand-wringing tension in this decision, because those in the know were savvy to the fact that while there was likely a very nice prize behind two thirds of the doors, inevitably opening the other one would reveal a goat.
Decisions had consequences and a bad decision could result in a pungent, gamey goat.
In kids' contests and competitive games these days, it seems everyone gets to win and nobody gets stuck with the goat. They don't expect the goat, so they aren't wary of encountering it in the choices they make.
Kids, I'm here to tell you: the goat is still here and sooner or later it's going to bite you in the ass (and chew your pants off while it's at it.) So, wake up and smell the goat.
And when you win a free book, act excited for Christ's sake!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Which is more annoying: the medium or the message?
I went to see a movie today and during the interminable "pre-show" there was a reminder to turn off cell phones and smartphones, and not to be an annoying "Tommy Texter." It then proceeded to show several ads/contests asking people to send a text! WTF!
Remember the good old days when you went to see a movie and the only "pre-show" was a few short trailers of coming attractions? Those halcyon days are gone, my friends, and we are now full captives to the corporate advertisers. No wonder people stay home and watch TV or rent DVDs. At least you can mute or skip over the commercials. In the theatre you can only sit tight and wonder if the actual movie you paid $12.75 to see is going to start before you expire.
But the absolute worst marketing intrusion I have ever encountered has got to be inside toilet cubicles with those strategically placed ad screens on the inner door. Please, to all the advertisers out there foaming at the mouth for my consumer dollars, you have me every other minute of the waking day. Can you please just let me take a pee in peace?!
Remember the good old days when you went to see a movie and the only "pre-show" was a few short trailers of coming attractions? Those halcyon days are gone, my friends, and we are now full captives to the corporate advertisers. No wonder people stay home and watch TV or rent DVDs. At least you can mute or skip over the commercials. In the theatre you can only sit tight and wonder if the actual movie you paid $12.75 to see is going to start before you expire.
But the absolute worst marketing intrusion I have ever encountered has got to be inside toilet cubicles with those strategically placed ad screens on the inner door. Please, to all the advertisers out there foaming at the mouth for my consumer dollars, you have me every other minute of the waking day. Can you please just let me take a pee in peace?!
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